The Twelve Days of Underworld
by Rushwriter
Summary: Unforgivable parody of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Feel free to go carolling with it...


_**Author's Note:** Oh dear...what have I done? (Someone please weep for me...I've been listening to Christmas carols for too long...) Anyway, you must admit, it's worth bringing out the next time you go caroling. Might even be hard to get around that last bit of twelve day tongue-twisting after you've had a bit of eggnog to drink too...consider it a challenge...(tips: don't forget to drag out that fifth verse. Fiiiiiiive gooool-den riiiings...or fiiiiive doooogs guardiiiing...)_

_(author runs off to play at more Christmas parties before she gets trashed by lycan community and/or shot by Lucian)_

_**Singing notations:  
**__Lucian for solo part with sawed-off shotgun for accenting points  
Raze for "(One key)" echo (bass)  
Pierce and Taylor for "(Tanis, Tanis, Tanis)" echoing chant (alto)  
Rest of lycan horde relegated to background noise and holding props_

_References can be found below for any verses that don't quite make sense the first time singing..._

* * *

**The Twelve Days of Underworld**

**From Viktor To Lucian**

**With love…**

On the first day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me  
A dead wife, a war and one key.  
_(Lucian yells for Sonja...)_

On the second day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…two leather gloves,  
_(two unidentified lycans scurry forward with props)_  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.  
_Echo: (One key)_

On the third day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…three 'Pest heads,  
_(Amelia & Markus roll their eyes)  
__(Viktor makes dry comment about the taxing nature of song.)_  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

On the fourth day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…four howling curs,

_(song stops momentarily as Lucian throws down song-pages  
and points sawed-off shotgun at Singe, Raze, Pierce, and Taylor. _

_Lucian: Any progress?  
Singe: Negative..._

_Lucian: And the candidate?  
Raze: We lost him...  
Lucian: You lost him...(echo)  
Pierce & Taylor: Oh shit... _

_Lucian: (explodes)  
Calls them all rabid dogs  
and tells them to put clothes on._

_Singe, Raze, Pierce, and Taylor: grumble_

_Lucian: (shoots ceiling) _

_They comply.  
Song resumes...)_

Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.  
_Echo: (One key.)_

On the fifth day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…fiiiiive…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: Tanis, Tanis, Tanis (chanted quickly, and in succession)  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

On the sixth day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…six times a'lashing  
_(Soren flicks silver-chained whip across stage.  
Accidentally flicks Viktor across the face and is murdered.)  
_Five…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: (Tanis, Tanis, Tanis) chanted quickly, and in succession  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

On the seventh day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…seven cars a'trashing  
_(Kraven runs on-stage and screams... "My car...what did you do with my car?")_  
Six times a'lashing  
Five…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: (Tanis, Tanis, Tanis) chanted quickly, and in succession  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

On the eighth day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…eight lycans seeking  
_(Singe murmurs 'negative')_  
Seven cars a'trashing  
Six times a'lashing  
Five…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: (Tanis, Tanis, Tanis) chanted quickly, and in succession  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

On the ninth day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…nine doctors fleeing  
_(Obscure blond streaker runs across stage.  
Viktor goes into post-traumatic shock, goes blind__ and  
loses some of his body mass._  
Eight lycans seeking  
Seven cars a'trashing  
Six times a'lashing  
Five…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: (Tanis, Tanis, Tanis) chanted quickly, and in succession  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.  
_Echo: (One key)_

On the tenth day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…ten trains a'swaying  
_(Lycans make choo choo noises)_  
Nine doctors fleeing  
Eight lycans seeking  
Seven cars a'trashing  
Six times a'lashing  
Five…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: (Tanis, Tanis, Tanis) chanted quickly, and in succession  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…eleven S'lenes are slaying  
_(Selene considers blind Viktor and his sword, but instead, with so much good cheer around,  
runs off-stage to find streaker before he hurts himself.)_  
Ten trains a'swaying  
Nine doctors fleeing  
Eight lycans seeking  
Seven cars a'trashing  
Six times a'lashing  
Five…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: (Tanis, Tanis, Tanis) chanted quickly, and in succession  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me…twelve dealers flaying…  
_(Singing deathdealers with knives prance across stage.  
Viktor goes into a fit and yells something about absolution...)_  
Eleven S'lenes are slaying  
_(Selene shoots the deathdealers.)_  
Ten trains a'swaying  
Nine doctors fleeing  
Eight lycans seeking  
Seven cars a'trashing  
Six times a'lashing  
Five…dogs…guarding…  
_Chant: (Tanis, Tanis, Tanis) chanted quickly, and in succession  
_Four howling curs,  
Three 'Pest heads,  
Two leather gloves,  
And a dead wife, a war and one key.

_Chorus bows._

_Sonja (burning on prop-stake to side of stage): Uhm...Lucian?  
Lucian: Yes my love...  
Sonja (burning on prop-stake): ...still here...  
Lucian: Oop...right. (unties her)  
(runs off with Sonja flipped over his shoulder)_

Merry Christmas everyone...  
Happy holidays...  
etc.

_**Suggestions:  
**__Alternate Verse: On the first day of Christmas,  
Lord Viktor sent to me  
A dead wife inflamed (or ablaze) on a tree.  
Echo: (On a tree)_

_**References:  
**__dead wife - Sonja  
one key - see Underworld Evolution  
'Pest heads - Viktor, Markus, Amelia  
howling curs - Pierce, Taylor, Raze, and Singe  
dogs guarding (Tanis) - see Underworld Evolution  
__(there were probably more than five werewolves guarding Tanis, but come on...work with me.)_


End file.
